Five Rules For Dating Me:

The Check:

-Yes, I am a gentleman, and yes, I will pay for dinner, but these two facts are not joined at the hip. I am not now nor do I ever intend to be your personal bank account. If there is a second, third or fourth date you are eventually going to have to reach for your own wallet and go “You know what, this time dinner is on me!” – and I will not treat that as an empty gesture.
This rule is also called No Freeloaders.

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The Garments:

-I am not THAT shallow, so if we are going on a date be assured that it doesn’t matter what you decide to wear, as long as I’m actually able to see you, or – vice versa – you’re not breaking any laws regarding indecent exposure, it won’t affect my enjoyment of our date, and a mere superficial thing such as clothes shouldn’t be gnawing on your mind either. Just relax in the comforting knowledge that when it comes to clothes – I don’t care!

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The Self-Slap:

-A self deprecating sense of humor is one thing, repetedly beating yourself up is another – the two are not the same.
I’m on a date with you, there’s a 100% chance I find you attractive, and believe it or not but the ‘grey mouse approach’ might have worked for Adrian and Rocky, but it does diddly squat for me. If you think that you are beautiful – or at least act like you do – I won’t feel the need to spend the whole evening trying to convince you that you are.
And just for the sake of argument; I am not blind to the fact that I am overweight, and that I am hairy in places most people would rather not be, but hey – I’m on a nice dinner date with an attractive woman, at the moment I’m fucking hot!

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The Entertainment:

-I enjoy movies, almost all movies! So if we are doing a dinner-and-a-movie kind of date, you will be the one picking which film we see – for no other reason than that I want you to enjoy it, because I’ll probably enjoy it no matter what you pick! And even if you do want to see the latest effort from the makers of ‘American Pie’, it’ll be like a notch on my belt, I managed to sit through an American Pie-movie, kudos to me!
In short: You pick the movie – that way we both win!

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The Move:

-I know all the stupid clichés about how women like the Take Charge kind of guy, and how it’s up to the man to make The Move… But fuck that!
I’m a smart guy, but I still can’t read minds. So if we’re going to kiss goodnight, or if you’ve decided that you want me to spend the night with you (because lets face it, that initiative is going to have to come from you), you are going to have to make that clear – as in CRYSTAL – to me, for one reason and one reason only:
Because “I thought she wanted me to” is only ever heard by rapists in a court room.

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